One of the cruellest tricks your heart can play on you is making you believe that a relationship with the same person will be better the second time around. The truth is that you only should be considering this if you are desperate to be in a relationship. The second time around usually will not work, because you will soon realize that whatever issues you thought you had fixed will still be there – they had merely been put on hold while that person was no longer in your life. But when you get back into the relationship, you inevitably push play on that ‘pause’ button you had hit before leaving. Did you really forget what caused you to break up in the first place? Or does your heart just want to romanticize what occurred?
The problem with the second time around is that you both have moved on in the meanwhile, and maybe you have even changed – that change is not really for you though, it is meant to send a signal to the person that will come after you. You might have been the catalyst for the change, but the benefits go towards the next person. The change that looks so invigorating it makes you want to give that relationship another try however is but a lie, it’s a façade. So, you need to remember that the beneficiary of this change is your successor, even if that change was the cause of your break-up.
It’s easy to get caught up in a second-time-around romance, because it’s familiar and that feels good. But your mind should be telling you to proceed with extreme caution. You mind looks at the reality of what led to your break-up, while your heart chooses to only pay attention to the good stuff. The heart has a way of turning a blind eye to the bad things because they hurt, glamorizing the good things instead, to the point that they are too good to be true. You start questioning your choices and decisions, asking yourself why you even broke up in the first place. The heart doesn’t have to challenge your mind, because once it focuses on the good things you can get out of your relationship, you automatically want to feel and end up believing that person has changed. While deep down inside you, you know that is not the truth. You only want to see the good in that person, but remember that you are only reiterating a pattern, repeating the same steps you took when you first started dating. It’s not until you’ve been in a relationship for a while that the cracks start to show…and it won’t be different from the first time. The reason you end up breaking up again is more than likely to be the same as the first time.
I am not saying that all second-time relationships are doomed, and you should stay away like you would with fire, but more often than not, rekindling fires you put out is not worth the time, energy or heartbreak that will ensue. You have to be honest with yourself, and own the cause of the first break-up, or else you will treat the second-time-around as if the first one never even occurred. You might each say “Let’s start afresh”, but how do you do that when you have history behind you? You can’t erase history.
If you firmly believe that you must try a second time, however, then at least take precautions, and date for a very long time. You both should continue to see other people, and definitely keep the L word out of your conversations. Both of you should have long, deep conversations – do not simply communicate, dig deeper and talk about your first relationship, even if that means you’ll end up in tears. You’ll have to go beneath the surface and hold nothing back, discussing what brought about the (first) break-up.
Second-time relationships usually don’t work, and while it might appeal to you, think before you throw yourself headlong in one of those. There was a reason why you split up after all, and you shouldn’t overlook it. The grass is not always greener on the other side – it just gives you that illusion.
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A Liar Your Heart
Marriage Is Complicated, if It’s Not You Have A Problem
Open Relationship Sounds Good, But…
Cheaters A Dime A Dozen
Love After Being Cheated On
Breaking Up: A Heart and Mind Struggle
Dating After Cheating
Sex and Money: A Vulnerable Conversation
Breaking Out After The Breakup
Surviving The Art of Cheating
The Art of Cheating