Tick, Tick, Tick Time Flies


It is said that from the time you are born, your life ticks away to death. I was sitting here one day thinking how fast time seems to move; one minute I was in my twenties now I’m in my sixties. Where did all those years go? I’ve had some very good times and some very bad times. I really can’t say which outweighed the other. It really doesn’t matter because it’s gone and can never be gotten back. It’s true when you hear older people say, “If only I knew then what I know now.” I will attest to that because I would have done so many things differently. I’ve not always made good choices now that I can look back, however, I made the choices I thought was good at the time. What I’m learning as I’ve aged is you can’t change the past so let it go. Why hold onto it because it benefits nobody. Age brings a certain appreciation to situations, people, just everything you encounter. I thought I appreciated things I encountered when I was younger, was I ever so wrong? You have relationships that come and go and each is supposed to be a learning experience for the next relationship. That’s true, except I didn’t always take what I learned and apply it to the next one. When you’re young, you think you’re taking that knowledge and using it but that’s not always the case because sometimes I just didn’t know how. 

I appreciated things but I now that I’m older I realized I didn’t appreciate things at all. I just rolled with them. When you’re in your twenties and thirties you just want to have fun and be happy. I know that’s what I wanted to do. Then reality starts to settle in that the world really doesn’t care about you or me. I started to realize I have to figure things out because the clock is ticking. That’s when it starts to get scary. How much time do I have left? How much time do I have to appreciate the things around me?  When I finally came to my senses, I realized that I needed to learn to appreciate any and everything I encounter. I always told people I was the most least observant person around; I saw nothing. I wasn’t naïve just I didn’t see anything. Someone could ask me, “Did you see that person? Isn’t he/she cute?“ I wouldn’t have been paying attention. I was always in my own world. 

When my first grandson came is when I realized how much I’ve missed out on. It was time to grow up and act like I wanted to leave something behind. When grandson two and three came it was time to stop thinking about it and it was time for action. I wasn’t the greatest mom but neither the worst, however, I knew I could be a much better person than I had been. There’s always a trigger that makes you stop and say, “Enough is enough!” Everyone has that trigger, it’s just a matter of when it goes off. 

Now, I look at things and, instead of rushing through, I stop and look and try to understand things. I learned that it’s okay to take a break. Its okay to say, “I love you” without it feeling corny. There’s nothing wrong with saying, “I’m sorry.” I want to leave my grandsons hopefully in a better place than I was in or their mother. I can’t do anything about the world that’s not in my control, but the things I can control I want them to be things they can be proud of. 

I’ve written some blogs about relationships because whatever your relationship, you have to recognize it for what it is. You don’t want to spend your life in a bad relationship, and thirty years from now with the clock ticking you wonder why you stayed. You can’t get those years back, so why lose them when you don’t have to? I hope my grandsons understand that nobody is perfect. If you want perfection, you will be alone. We all have flaws, though some will never admit it just like some will never grow up. You can’t be twenty for the rest of your life because the clock is ticking and you can’t stop age. I often hear age is just a number. That may be fine when you’re thirty but by time forty rolls around, your body starts reacting differently. You maybe can hide it from the outside world but you can’t hide it from yourself. It happened to me. 

If you’re young, enjoy being young. Have fun, but stop every now and then and appreciate the people and things that you encounter. It’s for your benefit as well as the people in your life.

Blogs.
I Thought I Knew You 
Marriage Is Complicated, If It’s Not You Have A Problem
A Liar Your Heart
Open Relationships Sound Good, But…
Cheaters A Dime A Dozen
Love After Being Cheated On
Breaking Up: A Heart and Mind Struggle
Dating After Cheating
Sex and Money; Vulnerable Conversations
Breaking Out After The Breakup
Surviving The Art of Cheating 
The Art of Cheating
Retirementanddogs.blog
UniqueThings.blog
Aninoids.wordpress.com – The Aninoids a children’s book coming this spring

I Thought I Knew You

“I thought I knew you” are words we’ve said to someone in our lives, whether they were a friend or a lover. There is a certain way we look at someone, and when that person does something out of character, it can throw your perception of that person off.

When we are children, we have two personalities: one for our parents and then there’s the personality that we have for our friends. When we get older, we adjust those personalities to different situations that we’re in. There’s the work personality, the friend personality and the one you show in a relationship. The people in our lives, no matter their role, see us through the personality that we bring into that situation. When we do something different, it makes them question whether they ever really knew us.

When we are in a relationship and the person we love suddenly goes from being a person we know to someone we no longer know, it makes us question whether we knew that person at all. It doesn’t have to be a relationship; it could be a friendship where we see a person that we know change into someone we don’t know.

When two people grow apart, we see that person as someone different than when we started the relationship/friendship. The change can be subtle, or it may be dramatic, but it makes us question whether what we knew of that person was real.

People change for different reasons and it’s possible that all reasons are not meant to be hurtful. When someone close to us changes, it’s hard not to say something to make that person aware of what we’re seeing. It could be that person doesn’t realize he/she has changed. There could be that two different personalities aren’t being separated, but coming together. When you go to work and then go home, are you leaving your work personality at work or is it meshing with the home personality? You have a problem if you can’t separate personalities. You date someone that your friends tell you is no good for you because you’re changing is another example of how personalities can come together and not for the right reason.

Have you ever laid in bed with someone and thought, ‘I really don’t know this person.’ or ‘Who are you?’ You’re asking that question because the personality you were shown is not that same personality. All of this makes you wonder who is the real person; the one from before or the one now?

I am not saying that people should not grow because then we would be stagnant. I am saying that people change and the person you think you know might turn out to be someone you don’t know. I mean, do we really ever know somebody? We think we know the person but do we really know what someone is thinking.

We only know what someone shows and says. How do we know it’s the truth? When that person changes, it can be hard to accept the changes because you’re comfortable with the person you know. If you can’t adapt to the new person, whether in your opinion it’s good or bad, then the relationship/friendship will cause you to grow apart from that person. Then there’s the problem of you adapting: is that taking you from being the person you are? Sometimes, you have to let that person go.
You never know if the person that’s your friend, spouse or whatever relationship you might have will ever change. It’s hard to watch someone you’ve been close to for so long change into someone you don’t know, especially when there’s nothing you can do about it.

I thought I knew you, but I guess I was wrong.

Blogs

A Liar Your Heart

Marriage Is Complicated. If It’s Not, You Have A Problem

Open Relationship Sound Good, But…
Cheaters: A Dime A Dozen

Love After Being Cheated On

Breaking Up; A Heart and Mind Struggle

Dating After Cheating

Sex and Money: Vulnerable Conversations

Breaking Out After The Breakup


Surviving The Art of Cheating


The Art of Cheating

Marriage Is Complicated, If It’s Not You Have A Problem

Marriage is complicated, and I’ll tell you why. It’s because there are no written words, describing the feelings that bring two people together its not an easy task. It doesn’t matter whether it’s a same-sex couple or a heterosexual couple; what matters is not the two individuals who are involved in a marriage, but what goes on between those two people, and not just sexually speaking. Those two people have to express feelings which can’t be put down into words, or voiced even – it all comes down to actions. How else can you tell someone you love them, if not through your actions? Words may come easy, and writing them on paper may be just as easy, but to actually show someone what’s in your heart…that is what’s truly amazing. As they say, “It’s easier said than done” after all, isn’t it? 

Sure enough you have friends, the kind you’d cut off your arm for, but you wouldn’t marry. You have friends you’d die for, and yet you wouldn’t marry them. You have friends you’d sleep with, but you still wouldn’t marry them. The reason is that something is missing, that indescribable feeling which you can’t express through words is not there.

I hear people say after a few dates that they’re ready to take the relationship to the next level, which is marriage. But marriage is about having that feeling in your heart which you are not able to describe with words. It’s something that goes beyond what you feel for your very best friend, it is unlike anything you’ve ever felt before. Of course, I also believe that your spouse should be a friend first, because marriage is an extension of that relationship – it goes further, and it has to be the same for both of you. 

You are two different people and you both have this indescribable feeling in your heart that makes you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, even if that feeling is fleeting. When you do get married, you have to make compromises, but that doesn’t mean you lose yourself into that other person’s world. If that happens, then you spend all your time feeling miserable and questioning how you got to that point. 

Marriage is also about trying to bring two minds together, which in itself can be complicated, because naturally every person is unique. That uniqueness makes each person special, and when you meet someone and eventually decide to marry into that uniqueness, you are put to the test. How true can you be to yourself if you give away your uniqueness?

These days, especially young people get into marriages that their friends and family deem to be wrong. But the truth is that no one except the spouses themselves know, nobody can look into their hearts to see if the love is real and if the wedding was but just a impulsive decision. You would have to look at someone’s actions to form an opinion. While the heart gives that indescribable feeling, it’s the mind that keeps one grounded.

So, what makes it so hard to get over a failed marriage is feeling that whatever led you to get married in the first place is broken and can’t be fixed by your heart alone. You need the help of your mind to show you the way, because it’s hard to let go of that feeling. It’s a powerful feeling, especially when marriage is involved. Marriages end for so many reasons these days, it’s hard to keep up with all of them, but if you both still have that same feeling you had when you decided to wed, that feeling that can’t be described, then don’t throw in the towel just yet. Too many married people these days give up too easily without putting up a fight, they don’t even try to salvage their relationship. They see it as a disposable tool that, when it breaks or is no longer needed, can simply be discarded and perhaps replaced. 

I’m married, and my spouse and I had to fight for each other and our love every inch of the way. If it hadn’t been for that indescribable feeling in our hearts, we would have never made it. We fought tooth and nail to learn to compromise without losing ourselves in each other. Marriage doesn’t mean you’re not going to argue or get fed up. It means that, if you want it to work, you need to realize at some point that the reason why you decided to get married is still relevant. You have to calm down and get rational, and remember that nothing should be settled until then. Because making any decisions based on your instincts, when you’re upset, is never a good move. 

If your marriage is easy, and you both are just going with the flow, then you’re both flowing nowhere. You have got to row that boat – you can’t just let it drift along.

If you’re married, or if you’re thinking about getting married, make sure you’re getting the actions you need from your other half; make sure you’re doing those actions yourself. But, most importantly, make sure your heart is taking you to a place words cannot describe.

In my next blog, I’ll surprise you.

Blogs:
Retirementanddogs.blog
Uniquethings.blog
A Liar: Your Heart
Open Relationships Sound Good, But…
Cheaters: A Dime, A Dozen
Love After Being Cheated On
Breaking Up: A Heart and Mind Struggle
Dating After Cheating
Sex and Money: A Vulnerable Conversation 
Breaking Out After The Breakup
Surviving The Art of Cheating
The Art of Cheating

A Liar Your Heart


A liar can tell more lies than there is ice cream and all their lies are just as smooth and good. When you have a relationship and lies start to come into the relationship, the relationship is doomed. A relationship cannot survive if there are lies involved. While your heart will let you forgive, your mind won’t let you move forward. Lies take away trust and without trust you’re always questioning that person who lied. If not directly, then mentally. This happens no matter if you are a forgiving person or not. Your mind just won’t let you get past that you were lied to. It’s just the way people are built. The heart and mind don’t always align. 

There are all different types of lies from cheating lies to lies that make you feel grateful that you’ve been told the lie. Here’s a few: I have to work late (common lie); I’m hanging with my friends; I didn’t want to upset you; I did it for you; I’m playing games on my computer (3am in the morning); I’m talking to a family member. These also can be applied to messaging. Just because it’s written, it doesn’t mean it won’t hurt any less when you find out. A lie is a lie whether it’s verbal or written. It all boils down to the same thing, you’re involved with someone that isn’t honest.

Social media gives liars another avenue to cheat. I don’t blame social media, however, if there was no social media, would your partner/spouse have met that other person?  There is the person who lies but is horrible at it. The person lies, then you go on social media and find out the truth and when confronted the liar has no reason for the lie. This person goes with the person who lies just because the truth is too hard for him/her to confront. 

When you’re involved with a smooth and good liar it might take months and even years before you find out the truth. A liar is like a car salesman; very good at reading people and using words. There are signs along the way that your spouse/partner are lying but for some reason your heart chooses to let it slide. One lie usually snowballs to another and another. After that it becomes it’s own story. A liar has to keep it going or face getting caught. You have to question the first lie or you’re only going to get so caught up that you won’t know the truth because you’re so used to the lie. The liar gets caught and he/she forgets what the truth really is.

When you’re in a relationship of any kind the truth matters and it should matter to both of you. If one of you steps outside the relationship, rather than lie, you have to be honest. It’s not easy to confess to your wrongdoings but think about the other person. A lie only makes the events that come from lying harder to move on from. When you lie it will come out and the trust is gone. People make mistakes and sometimes you can get caught up in something and before you know it you’re lying to your spouse/partner. It’s not right but things can happen sometimes. If you love your partner/spouse then you have to come clean and communicate what happened. You can suggest counseling as an option. You have to be honest, I mean, sit the person down and open your heart; explain how you got caught up. I’m not saying this will be easy and definitely not saying that telling the truth will save your relationship. The ball is in the other person’s court as to whether he/she wants to continue the relationship. You can’t blame your partner/spouse if ending the relationship is what is decided. No one wins when you lie. There’s only unnecessary  heartache and pain to someone you claimed to love. If someone can come into your life and cause you to lie to your spouse/partner, then the relationship is over. The words just haven’t been said. Why lie just to prolong it?

If you both decide to continue the relationship, then know it won’t be easy. The liar will be doing any and everything to say he/she is sorry. Your heart will want you to forgive but your mind is harder to let it go. There will always be that slither of doubt about what you’re being told. Even 20 years later there will be something, not everything, but something said that will spring your mind into action and wonder if you’re being told the truth.

The next blog will be on marriage.

Blogs

Open Relationships Sound Good, But….
Cheaters A Dime Dozen
Love After Being Cheated On
Breaking Up: A Heart and Mind Struggle
Dating After Cheating
Sex and Money: Vulnerable Conversations
Breaking Out After the Breakup
Surviving The Art of Cheating
The Art of Cheating

Retirementsanddogs.blog

Unique things.blog

Open Relationships Sound Good, But…

Having an open relationship sounds good, because it comes with the ability to have your cake and eat it too, as they say. Who wouldn’t like having the freedom to do whatever they want, then go back to somebody later and talk and maybe not acknowledge what they did. It’s as if you walk out a door and you’re no longer with somebody, but when you walk back in again you’re also back in a relationship with that person. Open relationships have been around for a long time, but they’ve never been a hot topic. Even these days, you don’t hear about it much, except maybe for people in the entertainment industry, but it happens and it’s all around us – it’s just that it’s a hushed conversation, it’s not out in the open. I personally believe that open relationships are good for couples that want to have a change, a couple that maybe needs a spark to reignite their passion, or maybe a couple that wants to take a break. It doesn’t mean that only relationships that are already on the rocks or near trouble should partake in an open relationship. A happy couple may still wish to try being in an open relationship so as to go to the next level, using the experience and knowledge acquired from the extra relationship to bring it into their regular relationship. 

These are but a few examples of the advantages that a couple could get from an open relationship, but there are more. An open relationship may even end up saving a couple’s actual relationship. In fact, there are times in a relationship when one or both of the people involved might feel neglected, unloved or unappreciated. An open relationship might for instance provide an ego boost. Furthermore, when someone dates others while in a relationship they may also get a different perspective of their actual relationship, realising for example that what they already have may not be as bad as they think. The grass isn’t necessarily always greener on the other side, and what better way to find that out than by going to the other side. I’m not saying that an open relationship will fix a troubled relationship, but it’s an option. 

However, if on the one hand open relationships may sound good, on the other hand there’s also plenty to consider that might stop one from actually going down that road. One of the biggest issues when it comes to open relationships is feelings. You can pretend that your spouse/partner going out with someone else wouldn’t matter, but it’s a lie more often than not. If you cares about someone, your heart will not let you not care about what’s happening. When a couple enters the open relationship territory, they always run the risk of one of them falling for the other person. You can’t rule the heart, so there is little, if anything, that can be done to stop your feelings for the other person from existing. Even if you decide to stop seeing that other person, sometimes that might not be enough to move forward, and next thing you know your actual relationship is in big trouble. 

What you need to have in an open relationship is boundaries and consequences – you need to accept being held accountable for not staying within the boundaries if you don’t. Example: a couple decides that the date should end at 2am and that the partner needs to be home; however, that doesn’t happen and the partner comes back in at 5am. In that case the consequence might be deciding there’ll be no dating outside the couple for a week. And you have to enforce the consequences, otherwise the rule is pointless. An open relationship takes lots of honest and open conversations. It might help to even write on paper the rules by which your open relationship will go by; this way, if needed, you both can refer to that piece of paper if your relationship needs to be put back on track. Writing things down might also help with accountability for going outside the boundaries. An open relationship is definitely one that both people have to want, and both people need to be all in for it. If there is any doubt, then don’t even think about getting into one because you will only be miserable. 

Personally, I’m neither for nor against open relationships, it all depends on the two people involved. It also depends on what you both expect to accomplish from entering an open relationship. You both have to definitely be on the same page. Love is no joke.

A relationship takes a lot of work on a daily basis. It involves growing together, while still finding a way to grow individually. A relationship is hard to handle, but the reward is priceless. The next blog will be on marriage, a rewarding union (sometimes).

Blogs:
Cheaters – A Dime, A Dozen
Love After Being Cheated On
Breaking Up: A Heart and Mind Struggle
Dating After Cheating
Sex and Money: Vulnerable Conversations
Breaking Out After The Breakup
Surviving The Art of Cheating

Cheaters A Dime A Dozen


You don’t cook anymore. You don’t pay me any attention since the baby came. You don’t clean, and uou don’t fix yourself up. You are always tired. You don’t want to go out. You don’t want to have sex. You don’t hang on to my every word. You don’t want to do anything. You have no ambition. Sex with you is boring. You don’t please me anymore. You don’t help with the bills. You are always sleep or have a headache. You are always sick. You don’t treat me like you used to.
We don’t communicate. You don’t listen to me. 

These are some of the reasons that are given for a person to cheat. They may be valid in some cases, but cheating is an extreme way to solve the problem. I have cheated and I’m sure that many of you have too.. What you want in cheating is to make up the missing parts of your relationship by using someone else. I felt that way. I didn’t necessarily want to break up my relationship, but I did feel that there were things missing. I tried to talk to the person but got nowhere; nothing but promises to fix or at least compromise on areas that needed fixing. Nothing ever changed so I found what I needed elsewhere.

Cheaters fall into categories such as the person (like me) that doesn’t want to break up but just fix what’s wrong. There’s the cheater who actually wants to break up but doesn’t know how to say the words. Then there’s the cheater who is using you for sexual gratification or money and could care less about you. This person probably wouldn’t care if you cheated yourself. Then there’s a cheater who just can’t keep his/her hands to themselves and just need sexual gratification from as many people as they can. It’s just about sex and feeding their ego. 

Whatever the reason is not a good reason. I will remember the look on the person’s face when I finally got caught and came clean about my adventure. The look of hurt in that person’s eyes made me realize that it’s a look I never want to see again. You might have a valid reason in your mind to cheat and maybe, just maybe, that person should be listening more to what you are saying, but cheating isn’t the answer unless you just don’t care about another person’s feelings. 

Cheating has been made easy because of the internet. You go to bed but your partner/spouse stays up pretending to play a game or just scrolling around the internet, and before uou can close your eyes that person is chatting up someone in another house who might me cheating on their spouse/partner. Don’t sleep on this; it’s a common occurrence since the computer age. I used to blame the internet for making sites like Match.com so readily available, but I’ve come to realize that it’s the person’s fault for cheating, not the internet, because you don’t have to let a conversation turn into a semi-romance. There is always someone out there that’s going to try your relationship whether it’s because of jealousy or they just want or like what you have. There is always going to be someone that tries a relationship; they don’t care about you and if the cheater takes the bait, then the problems start. The person that tries to wiggle into your relationship doesn’t have to be a stranger. It can be your closest friend, so don’t think that because it’s a friend they would never do that, because they will.

What I’ve learned from cheating is there have to be boundaries of what will be allowed  outside the boundaries and then you have to make a choice, me, or the other person. Don’t settle for less because if you give an inch, then the cheater will think anything he/she does can be easily explained and you’ll believe it. One thing you positively must do is listen to your head, not your heart, because your heart only wants love and happiness, not pain. Don’t ignore changes in a person and definitely don’t make excuses for the cheater. When a person cheats there are signs. It’s always up to you to acknowledge those signs and take some kind of action so the cheater knows they are being watched. A cheater can only go as far as you let him/her go. I know no-one wants to go through the heartache and breakup of a relationship but is it better to let it go for months with the same result? I mean, there are people who have an open relationship but that should be a conversation between you and your spouse/partner. I didn’t want my relationship to end; I thought it was fun, a game and something to do. When the relationship was over I realized I had made a very big mistake. It was my cheating that caused the end so what could I say? Nothing at all. If you are a cheater and you’re just trying to get what you feel is missing from your relationship, before you cheat, either try therapy or, if you’re that miserable let the person go. You can’t have your cake and eat it too. The truth will eventually come out whether it’s one month or one year. The truth will get into your relationship and will end your relationship.The next blog will be on open relationships, good or bad.

Blogs
Love After Being Cheated On
Breaking Up: A Heart and Mind Struggle
Dating After Cheating
Sex and Money: Vulnerable Conversations
Breaking Out After The Breakup
Surviving The Art of Cheating
The Art of Cheating