Being Lonely In A Relationship

The Look of Loneliness

There is nothing worst than being lonely in a relationship. This feeling could be gotten from any type of relationship. The relationship I’m speaking of is between opposite or same sex couples. Relationship loneliness is that knot you get in your stomach that makes you feel sick.

You could be in a room with all your friends but you know something is missing. You envy couples that seem so happy and you wonder why you can’t have that. You and your partner or spouse seem to always be missing each other; one is coming, the other is going. You and your partner or spouse seem to talk, but you aren’t really talking, it’s more like being cordial. You go out, but there’s nothing but silence between you. The intimacy is all but gone. The sex is robotic or maybe even non-existent.

If any of the sentences above are something you can relate to, then there is a problem that you just don’t want to address. No one wants to be alone, but it’s worse to be a alone when you’re not really alone. The fear of loneliness can keep you in a place where you shouldn’t be. That fear can paralyze you from moving on. You’re stagnant and don’t really understand why. What happens to you after the relationship is over is fearful to think of. It’s like a child going to school for the first time. You’re scared of the unknown. You try to imagine being alone, but you can’t. All you know is that one day you were happy and all of sudden you feel like you’re in a relationship by yourself. What happened?

Relationship loneliness doesn’t have to be about cheating. It can happen and neither of you have to see it coming. You both can be too scared to have a conversation about your feelings in fear that you’ll find out something neither of you are ready to admit. Cheating is something you can put words to but loneliness is much harder and deeper. You can try and describe it, but the words just don’t quite say what you’re feeling. You just can’t put your finger on what’s going on.

There is no quick fix for a relationship when you have that feeling. It takes time understand the feeling you have. You can’t get through it alone. You have to talk about it. I don’t mean to just communicate but you have to have a conversation. You both have to acknowledge your role in what is happening in your relationship. The cause as I said doesn’t have to be cheating, it could be work or family problems. It could be that you feel unfulfilled in the relationship or unappreciated. 
Whatever the reason, you have to first understand it yourself before you can hope someone else will; not just understand it, but also fix it. What you really want is someone to fix what you feel, but that’s never going to happen. You are responsible for your own happiness. Don’t put that job on someone else. 

The best answer I can give you is time. Take the time to work on yourself. Let your partner or spouse understand just that you need time. If your partner or spouse doesn’t seem interested in how you’re feeling or wanting to help see you through it, then maybe that’s the problem; that person doesn’t want to be in the relationship and is too afraid to tell you. You might find out that your partner or spouse is having the same feelings of loneliness but doesn’t know how to talk about it. You’ll never know unless you both have an honest conversation about it. That’s the person you love, so there shouldn’t be anything you can’t discuss. Push your pride out of the way. 
Don’t let pride ruin a relationship that doesn’t have to end but just needs some nourishment from the both of you. Does it matter who goes first or who approaches who first? No, it doesn’t matter when you’re trying to hold on to something that you feel is worth fighting for.

Blogs
If The Relationship Didn’t Work Once, Don’t Try Again
Diversity Brings With It Adversity
Tick, Tick, Tick Time Flies
I Thought I knew You
Marriage Is Complicated, If It’s Not You Have A Problem
A Liar Your Heart
Open Relationships Sounds Good, But….
Cheaters A Dime A Dozen
Guns and Money Are Indirect Killers
Love After Being Cheated On
Breaking Up: A Heart and Mind Struggle
Dating After Cheating
Sex and Money: A Vulnerable Conversation
Breaking Out After The Breakup
Surviving The Art of Cheating
The Art of Cheating
Throwaway People

If The Relationship Didn’t Work Once, Don’t Try Again

One of the cruellest tricks your heart can play on you is making you believe that a relationship with the same person will be better the second time around. The truth is that you only should be considering this if you are desperate to be in a relationship. The second time around usually will not work, because you will soon realize that whatever issues you thought you had fixed will still be there – they had merely been put on hold while that person was no longer in your life. But when you get back into the relationship, you inevitably push play on that ‘pause’ button you had hit before leaving. Did you really forget what caused you to break up in the first place? Or does your heart just want to romanticize what occurred?

The problem with the second time around is that you both have moved on in the meanwhile, and maybe you have even changed – that change is not really for you though, it is meant to send a signal to the person that will come after you. You might have been the catalyst for the change, but the benefits go towards the next person. The change that looks so invigorating it makes you want to give that relationship another try however is but a lie, it’s a façade. So, you need to remember that the beneficiary of this change is your successor, even if that change was the cause of your break-up.

It’s easy to get caught up in a second-time-around romance, because it’s familiar and that feels good. But your mind should be telling you to proceed with extreme caution. You mind looks at the reality of what led to your break-up, while your heart chooses to only pay attention to the good stuff. The heart has a way of turning a blind eye to the bad things because they hurt, glamorizing the good things instead, to the point that they are too good to be true. You start questioning your choices and decisions, asking yourself why you even broke up in the first place. The heart doesn’t have to challenge your mind, because once it focuses on the good things you can get out of your relationship, you automatically want to feel and end up believing that person has changed. While deep down inside you, you know that is not the truth. You only want to see the good in that person, but remember that you are only reiterating a pattern, repeating the same steps you took when you first started dating. It’s not until you’ve been in a relationship for a while that the cracks start to show…and it won’t be different from the first time. The reason you end up breaking up again is more than likely to be the same as the first time. 

I am not saying that all second-time relationships are doomed, and you should stay away like you would with fire, but more often than not, rekindling fires you put out is not worth the time, energy or heartbreak that will ensue. You have to be honest with yourself, and own the cause of the first break-up, or else you will treat the second-time-around as if the first one never even occurred. You might each say “Let’s start afresh”, but how do you do that when you have history behind you? You can’t erase history. 

If you firmly believe that you must try a second time, however, then at least take precautions, and date for a very long time. You both should continue to see other people, and definitely keep the L word out of your conversations. Both of you should have long, deep conversations – do not simply communicate, dig deeper and talk about your first relationship, even if that means you’ll end up in tears. You’ll have to go beneath the surface and hold nothing back, discussing what brought about the (first) break-up. 

Second-time relationships usually don’t work, and while it might appeal to you, think before you throw yourself headlong in one of those. There was a reason why you split up after all, and you shouldn’t overlook it. The grass is not always greener on the other side – it just gives you that illusion.

Blogs

Tick, Tick,Tick Time Flies

I Thought I Knew You

A Liar Your Heart

Marriage Is Complicated, if It’s Not You Have A Problem

Open Relationship Sounds Good, But…

Cheaters A Dime A Dozen

Love After Being Cheated On

Breaking Up: A Heart and Mind Struggle

Dating After Cheating

Sex and Money: A Vulnerable Conversation

Breaking Out After The Breakup

Surviving The Art of Cheating

The Art of Cheating

Throwaway People

I Thought I Knew You

“I thought I knew you” are words we’ve said to someone in our lives, whether they were a friend or a lover. There is a certain way we look at someone, and when that person does something out of character, it can throw your perception of that person off.

When we are children, we have two personalities: one for our parents and then there’s the personality that we have for our friends. When we get older, we adjust those personalities to different situations that we’re in. There’s the work personality, the friend personality and the one you show in a relationship. The people in our lives, no matter their role, see us through the personality that we bring into that situation. When we do something different, it makes them question whether they ever really knew us.

When we are in a relationship and the person we love suddenly goes from being a person we know to someone we no longer know, it makes us question whether we knew that person at all. It doesn’t have to be a relationship; it could be a friendship where we see a person that we know change into someone we don’t know.

When two people grow apart, we see that person as someone different than when we started the relationship/friendship. The change can be subtle, or it may be dramatic, but it makes us question whether what we knew of that person was real.

People change for different reasons and it’s possible that all reasons are not meant to be hurtful. When someone close to us changes, it’s hard not to say something to make that person aware of what we’re seeing. It could be that person doesn’t realize he/she has changed. There could be that two different personalities aren’t being separated, but coming together. When you go to work and then go home, are you leaving your work personality at work or is it meshing with the home personality? You have a problem if you can’t separate personalities. You date someone that your friends tell you is no good for you because you’re changing is another example of how personalities can come together and not for the right reason.

Have you ever laid in bed with someone and thought, ‘I really don’t know this person.’ or ‘Who are you?’ You’re asking that question because the personality you were shown is not that same personality. All of this makes you wonder who is the real person; the one from before or the one now?

I am not saying that people should not grow because then we would be stagnant. I am saying that people change and the person you think you know might turn out to be someone you don’t know. I mean, do we really ever know somebody? We think we know the person but do we really know what someone is thinking.

We only know what someone shows and says. How do we know it’s the truth? When that person changes, it can be hard to accept the changes because you’re comfortable with the person you know. If you can’t adapt to the new person, whether in your opinion it’s good or bad, then the relationship/friendship will cause you to grow apart from that person. Then there’s the problem of you adapting: is that taking you from being the person you are? Sometimes, you have to let that person go.
You never know if the person that’s your friend, spouse or whatever relationship you might have will ever change. It’s hard to watch someone you’ve been close to for so long change into someone you don’t know, especially when there’s nothing you can do about it.

I thought I knew you, but I guess I was wrong.

Blogs

A Liar Your Heart

Marriage Is Complicated. If It’s Not, You Have A Problem

Open Relationship Sound Good, But…
Cheaters: A Dime A Dozen

Love After Being Cheated On

Breaking Up; A Heart and Mind Struggle

Dating After Cheating

Sex and Money: Vulnerable Conversations

Breaking Out After The Breakup


Surviving The Art of Cheating


The Art of Cheating

Marriage Is Complicated, If It’s Not You Have A Problem

Marriage is complicated, and I’ll tell you why. It’s because there are no written words, describing the feelings that bring two people together its not an easy task. It doesn’t matter whether it’s a same-sex couple or a heterosexual couple; what matters is not the two individuals who are involved in a marriage, but what goes on between those two people, and not just sexually speaking. Those two people have to express feelings which can’t be put down into words, or voiced even – it all comes down to actions. How else can you tell someone you love them, if not through your actions? Words may come easy, and writing them on paper may be just as easy, but to actually show someone what’s in your heart…that is what’s truly amazing. As they say, “It’s easier said than done” after all, isn’t it? 

Sure enough you have friends, the kind you’d cut off your arm for, but you wouldn’t marry. You have friends you’d die for, and yet you wouldn’t marry them. You have friends you’d sleep with, but you still wouldn’t marry them. The reason is that something is missing, that indescribable feeling which you can’t express through words is not there.

I hear people say after a few dates that they’re ready to take the relationship to the next level, which is marriage. But marriage is about having that feeling in your heart which you are not able to describe with words. It’s something that goes beyond what you feel for your very best friend, it is unlike anything you’ve ever felt before. Of course, I also believe that your spouse should be a friend first, because marriage is an extension of that relationship – it goes further, and it has to be the same for both of you. 

You are two different people and you both have this indescribable feeling in your heart that makes you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, even if that feeling is fleeting. When you do get married, you have to make compromises, but that doesn’t mean you lose yourself into that other person’s world. If that happens, then you spend all your time feeling miserable and questioning how you got to that point. 

Marriage is also about trying to bring two minds together, which in itself can be complicated, because naturally every person is unique. That uniqueness makes each person special, and when you meet someone and eventually decide to marry into that uniqueness, you are put to the test. How true can you be to yourself if you give away your uniqueness?

These days, especially young people get into marriages that their friends and family deem to be wrong. But the truth is that no one except the spouses themselves know, nobody can look into their hearts to see if the love is real and if the wedding was but just a impulsive decision. You would have to look at someone’s actions to form an opinion. While the heart gives that indescribable feeling, it’s the mind that keeps one grounded.

So, what makes it so hard to get over a failed marriage is feeling that whatever led you to get married in the first place is broken and can’t be fixed by your heart alone. You need the help of your mind to show you the way, because it’s hard to let go of that feeling. It’s a powerful feeling, especially when marriage is involved. Marriages end for so many reasons these days, it’s hard to keep up with all of them, but if you both still have that same feeling you had when you decided to wed, that feeling that can’t be described, then don’t throw in the towel just yet. Too many married people these days give up too easily without putting up a fight, they don’t even try to salvage their relationship. They see it as a disposable tool that, when it breaks or is no longer needed, can simply be discarded and perhaps replaced. 

I’m married, and my spouse and I had to fight for each other and our love every inch of the way. If it hadn’t been for that indescribable feeling in our hearts, we would have never made it. We fought tooth and nail to learn to compromise without losing ourselves in each other. Marriage doesn’t mean you’re not going to argue or get fed up. It means that, if you want it to work, you need to realize at some point that the reason why you decided to get married is still relevant. You have to calm down and get rational, and remember that nothing should be settled until then. Because making any decisions based on your instincts, when you’re upset, is never a good move. 

If your marriage is easy, and you both are just going with the flow, then you’re both flowing nowhere. You have got to row that boat – you can’t just let it drift along.

If you’re married, or if you’re thinking about getting married, make sure you’re getting the actions you need from your other half; make sure you’re doing those actions yourself. But, most importantly, make sure your heart is taking you to a place words cannot describe.

In my next blog, I’ll surprise you.

Blogs:
Retirementanddogs.blog
Uniquethings.blog
A Liar: Your Heart
Open Relationships Sound Good, But…
Cheaters: A Dime, A Dozen
Love After Being Cheated On
Breaking Up: A Heart and Mind Struggle
Dating After Cheating
Sex and Money: A Vulnerable Conversation 
Breaking Out After The Breakup
Surviving The Art of Cheating
The Art of Cheating

A Liar Your Heart


A liar can tell more lies than there is ice cream and all their lies are just as smooth and good. When you have a relationship and lies start to come into the relationship, the relationship is doomed. A relationship cannot survive if there are lies involved. While your heart will let you forgive, your mind won’t let you move forward. Lies take away trust and without trust you’re always questioning that person who lied. If not directly, then mentally. This happens no matter if you are a forgiving person or not. Your mind just won’t let you get past that you were lied to. It’s just the way people are built. The heart and mind don’t always align. 

There are all different types of lies from cheating lies to lies that make you feel grateful that you’ve been told the lie. Here’s a few: I have to work late (common lie); I’m hanging with my friends; I didn’t want to upset you; I did it for you; I’m playing games on my computer (3am in the morning); I’m talking to a family member. These also can be applied to messaging. Just because it’s written, it doesn’t mean it won’t hurt any less when you find out. A lie is a lie whether it’s verbal or written. It all boils down to the same thing, you’re involved with someone that isn’t honest.

Social media gives liars another avenue to cheat. I don’t blame social media, however, if there was no social media, would your partner/spouse have met that other person?  There is the person who lies but is horrible at it. The person lies, then you go on social media and find out the truth and when confronted the liar has no reason for the lie. This person goes with the person who lies just because the truth is too hard for him/her to confront. 

When you’re involved with a smooth and good liar it might take months and even years before you find out the truth. A liar is like a car salesman; very good at reading people and using words. There are signs along the way that your spouse/partner are lying but for some reason your heart chooses to let it slide. One lie usually snowballs to another and another. After that it becomes it’s own story. A liar has to keep it going or face getting caught. You have to question the first lie or you’re only going to get so caught up that you won’t know the truth because you’re so used to the lie. The liar gets caught and he/she forgets what the truth really is.

When you’re in a relationship of any kind the truth matters and it should matter to both of you. If one of you steps outside the relationship, rather than lie, you have to be honest. It’s not easy to confess to your wrongdoings but think about the other person. A lie only makes the events that come from lying harder to move on from. When you lie it will come out and the trust is gone. People make mistakes and sometimes you can get caught up in something and before you know it you’re lying to your spouse/partner. It’s not right but things can happen sometimes. If you love your partner/spouse then you have to come clean and communicate what happened. You can suggest counseling as an option. You have to be honest, I mean, sit the person down and open your heart; explain how you got caught up. I’m not saying this will be easy and definitely not saying that telling the truth will save your relationship. The ball is in the other person’s court as to whether he/she wants to continue the relationship. You can’t blame your partner/spouse if ending the relationship is what is decided. No one wins when you lie. There’s only unnecessary  heartache and pain to someone you claimed to love. If someone can come into your life and cause you to lie to your spouse/partner, then the relationship is over. The words just haven’t been said. Why lie just to prolong it?

If you both decide to continue the relationship, then know it won’t be easy. The liar will be doing any and everything to say he/she is sorry. Your heart will want you to forgive but your mind is harder to let it go. There will always be that slither of doubt about what you’re being told. Even 20 years later there will be something, not everything, but something said that will spring your mind into action and wonder if you’re being told the truth.

The next blog will be on marriage.

Blogs

Open Relationships Sound Good, But….
Cheaters A Dime Dozen
Love After Being Cheated On
Breaking Up: A Heart and Mind Struggle
Dating After Cheating
Sex and Money: Vulnerable Conversations
Breaking Out After the Breakup
Surviving The Art of Cheating
The Art of Cheating

Retirementsanddogs.blog

Unique things.blog

Cheaters A Dime A Dozen


You don’t cook anymore. You don’t pay me any attention since the baby came. You don’t clean, and uou don’t fix yourself up. You are always tired. You don’t want to go out. You don’t want to have sex. You don’t hang on to my every word. You don’t want to do anything. You have no ambition. Sex with you is boring. You don’t please me anymore. You don’t help with the bills. You are always sleep or have a headache. You are always sick. You don’t treat me like you used to.
We don’t communicate. You don’t listen to me. 

These are some of the reasons that are given for a person to cheat. They may be valid in some cases, but cheating is an extreme way to solve the problem. I have cheated and I’m sure that many of you have too.. What you want in cheating is to make up the missing parts of your relationship by using someone else. I felt that way. I didn’t necessarily want to break up my relationship, but I did feel that there were things missing. I tried to talk to the person but got nowhere; nothing but promises to fix or at least compromise on areas that needed fixing. Nothing ever changed so I found what I needed elsewhere.

Cheaters fall into categories such as the person (like me) that doesn’t want to break up but just fix what’s wrong. There’s the cheater who actually wants to break up but doesn’t know how to say the words. Then there’s the cheater who is using you for sexual gratification or money and could care less about you. This person probably wouldn’t care if you cheated yourself. Then there’s a cheater who just can’t keep his/her hands to themselves and just need sexual gratification from as many people as they can. It’s just about sex and feeding their ego. 

Whatever the reason is not a good reason. I will remember the look on the person’s face when I finally got caught and came clean about my adventure. The look of hurt in that person’s eyes made me realize that it’s a look I never want to see again. You might have a valid reason in your mind to cheat and maybe, just maybe, that person should be listening more to what you are saying, but cheating isn’t the answer unless you just don’t care about another person’s feelings. 

Cheating has been made easy because of the internet. You go to bed but your partner/spouse stays up pretending to play a game or just scrolling around the internet, and before uou can close your eyes that person is chatting up someone in another house who might me cheating on their spouse/partner. Don’t sleep on this; it’s a common occurrence since the computer age. I used to blame the internet for making sites like Match.com so readily available, but I’ve come to realize that it’s the person’s fault for cheating, not the internet, because you don’t have to let a conversation turn into a semi-romance. There is always someone out there that’s going to try your relationship whether it’s because of jealousy or they just want or like what you have. There is always going to be someone that tries a relationship; they don’t care about you and if the cheater takes the bait, then the problems start. The person that tries to wiggle into your relationship doesn’t have to be a stranger. It can be your closest friend, so don’t think that because it’s a friend they would never do that, because they will.

What I’ve learned from cheating is there have to be boundaries of what will be allowed  outside the boundaries and then you have to make a choice, me, or the other person. Don’t settle for less because if you give an inch, then the cheater will think anything he/she does can be easily explained and you’ll believe it. One thing you positively must do is listen to your head, not your heart, because your heart only wants love and happiness, not pain. Don’t ignore changes in a person and definitely don’t make excuses for the cheater. When a person cheats there are signs. It’s always up to you to acknowledge those signs and take some kind of action so the cheater knows they are being watched. A cheater can only go as far as you let him/her go. I know no-one wants to go through the heartache and breakup of a relationship but is it better to let it go for months with the same result? I mean, there are people who have an open relationship but that should be a conversation between you and your spouse/partner. I didn’t want my relationship to end; I thought it was fun, a game and something to do. When the relationship was over I realized I had made a very big mistake. It was my cheating that caused the end so what could I say? Nothing at all. If you are a cheater and you’re just trying to get what you feel is missing from your relationship, before you cheat, either try therapy or, if you’re that miserable let the person go. You can’t have your cake and eat it too. The truth will eventually come out whether it’s one month or one year. The truth will get into your relationship and will end your relationship.The next blog will be on open relationships, good or bad.

Blogs
Love After Being Cheated On
Breaking Up: A Heart and Mind Struggle
Dating After Cheating
Sex and Money: Vulnerable Conversations
Breaking Out After The Breakup
Surviving The Art of Cheating
The Art of Cheating